What Counts as “Good Communication” in a Relationship?
Note: This post doesn’t apply to relationships that are emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive. In those cases, safety and support come first.
Good communication in a relationship isn’t just about talking—it’s about being heard, understood, and responded to with care. It helps both partners feel more secure, connected, and valued.
What does healthy communication look like in daily life?
Healthy communication builds ease and consistency into everyday moments—the kind of stuff that helps you feel more like a team, even when things get busy or hard. Here’s what that might look like on a regular day:
My partner gets home from work and I greet her with affection. That small gesture helps her feel welcomed and reconnects us. It’s not something that comes naturally to me, so I’ve had to practice. Her warm response encourages me to keep showing up in that way.
Even if I’ve got a full to-do list, I take a minute to ask about her day. That helps her feel seen in something that matters to her. In return, she gives me a kiss—which meets my need for affection.
Later, I want to talk about getting back into a cleaning routine around the house. I bring it up gently and ask her when a good time would be. This takes the pressure off her and gives her time to emotionally prepare—especially since that topic can easily stir up guilt for her. The fact that she wants to have a hard conversation with me, because it matters to me, feels so reassuring.
Later that evening, she gives me space because she knows I value alone time. Her support makes me feel respected and valued. That’s good communication in action—it’s responsive, attuned, and makes both people feel more loved.
Why do we keep having the same fight?
Oh, the classics: the dishwasher argument, the “tone” problem, the who’s-more-emotionally-available showdown. It’s frustrating, exhausting, and often feels so avoidable—until you’re in it again.
There are lots of reasons couples get stuck in repeat-mode:
Clashing values, needs, or lifestyles
Feeling unheard or dismissed
Avoiding needs (yours or your partner’s)
Staying in a relationship for, let’s say, highly persuasive physical chemistry
From a communication standpoint, recurring fights often happen because:
There’s not enough empathy for what’s really underneath the argument.
One or both partners hold fixed ideas about each other: “They’ll never change,” “They don’t care,” etc.
Each person is stuck in a role they don’t know how to step out of.
There’s a background story of hopelessness or futility—so even a small conflict feels emotionally loaded.
One or both partners use triggering language or tone.
There’s no vulnerability, just defensiveness or blame.
Someone is stonewalling—shutting down or checking out emotionally.
And yep, all of this can snowball quickly. But when you start to shift how you communicate, you open the door to something new.
Can communication really heal emotional wounds?
Yes. Absolutely. 100%.
Sometimes, all it takes is a heartfelt “I’m so sorry”—with warmth and presence—for something to start softening. But here’s the thing: words alone don’t always cut it. You’ve probably had moments where your partner said the “right thing,” but it landed flat. Robotic apologies don’t do much.
Healing communication works best when:
It’s genuine.
It’s timed right—the other person is actually ready to receive it.
It happens in a space of trust, not urgency or performance.
So yes, even if you’ve heard the same words before, they can land differently when spoken (and received) with care and openness. The right tone, timing, and intention make all the difference.
How can I express what I need without making it worse?
Ah, yes. The “I thought I was doing it right and somehow everything went to garbage” moment. We’ve all been there. You tried to be vulnerable, and instead got a one-way ticket to Shame Spiral City or Rageville. Your inner child was like, “Wait… I thought we were getting a gold star!?”
Here’s the good news: you can express what you need in a way that builds connection—especially if both of you are trying and care about each other. Here are a few strategies that can really help:
Know your attachment styles. Understanding your and your partner’s attachment patterns gives you a roadmap for your communication dance. (Anxious? Avoidant? It helps to know.)
Give a heads-up. Let your partner know you want to talk about something important. It gives them time to emotionally prep and stay present.
Clarify what you need. Let them know how you want them to support you—listening without fixing, offering empathy, etc.
Check in with yourself. Notice how you’re doing as you talk. If your nervous system’s starting to rev up, pause. Take a breath.
Check in with them. Make sure they’re still with you—eye contact, soft responses, nods. If they’re overwhelmed, take a break.
Reassure if needed. If you have genuine reassurance to offer (e.g. “I love you and I want to work through this”), share it.
So what is “good communication,” really?
It’s honest and kind. It’s grounded in mutual care. It feels good—not just in what’s being said, but in how it’s received.
It’s the kind of communication that builds:
More trust
More understanding
More excitement about your future together
Helpful Resource:
Read or listen toNonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion by Marshall B. Rosenberg —it’s one of the most transformative books out there for learning how to speak (and listen) with empathy and intention.
